What I’m about to say doesn’t apply to all women. I don’t believe all women behave this way or that any one woman behaves this way all the time. I’m not a chauvinist. I don’t believe woman are inferior to men in any way. This blog also isn’t directed at a specific woman who I’m trying to passive aggressively call out. I understand that a lot of what I’m about to say also applies to men. I’m not saying that men are perfect and never do any of these things, but it seems more culturally acceptable to let women get away with certain destructive behaviors, and I want women to understand the male point of view in order to have more fulfilling romantic relationships.
As you read this don’t get hung up on the exceptions to the generalizations I’m about to make. Take it all in and see the forest from the trees. There’s validity in the overall message, and understanding it will improve your relationship with your man.
The name of the problem I want to talk about is female chauvinism, which is when women feel like they’re superior to men in certain ways and deserve special treatment, privileges and exemptions. In the military they call this “golden vagina syndrome.”
It’s easy to see where female chauvinism comes from. It’s part of modern culture. Almost every Disney movie drives home the message that every girl is a princess and deserves to have their dreams handed to them without having to fight the same battles as men. There’s a mountain of pop songs about how women should be treated like the queen of the world. If you read any erotica or romance novels the heroine is always a virtueless ice queen who gets chased by a rich, powerful man for no reason until she finally allows him to fulfill all her fantasies and serve her like a slave. That’s basically the plot to Twilight.
Women do deserve to be treated well. But they deserve to be treated equal to men, not better. Case in point, I used to try to split the cost of meals with girls I dated (and these were all good, intelligent women) because that’s what equals do. However, I eventually gave up and accepted the responsibility of paying for meals because when men don’t they get labelled as cheap losers. This is even true in the military where people of equal ranks get paid the exact same, but the man is still expected to pay for the woman’s meals. It’s not fair, but that’s life.
I’ve used dating sites to scout out new romances before, and I was appalled by how many women’s profiles said they were looking for a man who made more money than them or had to have a stable career and their own house in order for her to even consider going on a date with him. On one level, sure it’s reasonable to want a generous guy with some direction in his life, but the point of dating and eventually marrying is to share your soul with someone who completes you and to enjoy the journey of life together. That and sex is all most men really expect from women. So you will almost never see a man write on their dating profile that wealth and status are prerequisites for consideration. Yet it’s okay for, and sometimes even expected of, women to rule out potential suitors based solely on their ability and willingness to spend money on them. That’s a cruel, petty burden to place on men, and if a woman places monetary conditions on her love then how genuine can her love really be? Men deserve to be loved for who they are regardless of what they have. You could argue this point by saying that a man’s external success is a reflection of their internal virtue, but if you can agree with that logic then apply it to women as well. When you do that you see the modern man getting the short end of the stick.
In addition to being lavished with money and gifts I see a lot of women these days expect to get away with treating their man worse than they expect to be treated. In centuries past culture placed men as the head of the household, and he had ultimate power over his family to the point that he could (and was even expected to) beat his wife and children if they didn’t behave the way he wanted them to. Those days are over, but the scales haven’t balanced out. They’ve tipped in favor of the woman. Now every semi-educated man knows that men and women think a little different. One of the secrets of a successful relationship is to not to argue or try use logic with an angry woman. Instead, listen to her. Let her vent, give her a hug and move on. If a man doesn’t respect a woman’s emotional nature then he’s a bad person.
That’s fair enough. However, there’s no cultural movement pushing women to think like a man. Women don’t have to give an inch, but men have to give a mile or they’ll be labelled an insensitive loser. If we’re going to label men as insensitive losers for not thinking like a woman then women who don’t think like men deserve to be labelled the same way.
There’s more to this issue than theoretical justice. As much as women hate to think like men, men hate to think like women. When men accept that they have to give in totally to their woman without receiving the same courtesy it’s like tucking their tail between their legs and accepting a lifetime of getting punched in the nuts. This makes men miserable. So any woman who insists that a man should spend the rest of his life putting his own nature aside and living like a woman is insisting that they reserve the right to make their lover miserable. Of course, by my own logic, expecting women to think like men is expecting them to be miserable. Is that fair? Not if women have to give a mile and men have to give an inch. What is fair is compromise.
Women don’t just expect their man to communicate like them. I see a lot of women who expect their man to accept that when they get emotional they should be allowed to take out their emotions on their man by throwing temper tantrums, whining and shouting (particularly when they’re on their period). In this day and age it’s unacceptable for a man to shout at a woman and tear her down (as well it should be). It should be equally unthinkable for a woman to do the same to a man. Regardless of what women deserve to get away with, men don’t deserve to be hurt. I don’t know what it’s like to have a period. I can only imagine how emotionally and physically daunting it must be, but nothing gives one person the right to treat another person in a way they wouldn’t want to be treated themselves. Even if you could successfully argue my logic and justify taking out your frustrations on your lover, ultimately you’re justifying tearing down your lover and thus your relationship. You may have the right to degrade your relationship, but just know that you’re going to have to live with the consequence, which is your man not wanting to be around you.
I see a lot of girls using cruel tactics like whining, shouting, crying and guilt tripping to change their lover’s behavior. If a guy wants to hang out with his friends he gets in trouble and earns a tongue lashing until he agrees to stay at home. If a guy wants to smoke he earns a tongue lashing until he quits. If a guy want to get a lower paying job that he’ll be happier at he gets in trouble and earns a tongue lashing until he does the “responsible” thing and accepts his horrible job. Men are always in trouble with their lover for living how they want to live. Often times letting a Disney-raised woman move in with you is like letting your high school principle move in with you. Living under rules you don’t agree with and constantly getting punished for breaking them is harrowing, but men put up with it because they want to make their lover happy. The irony is that over time, living like that makes men unhappy. Often times it gets to the point that men sacrifice their wants and give women what they want just to shut them up. We do what we can to please our women, and in return we’re given unhappiness. That’s cruel to men, and that’s not how love works. In the end, even if a woman can win every battle and succeed at breaking their man’s will they end up losing the war because breaking a man doesn’t make him more perfect. It makes him more broken and unhappy.
If you love a man you should want him to be happy. If you can fulfill his wants you’ll make him happy, and that will make him love you more and do more to make you happy. The more you demand from him, the less you’re willing to compromise, and the harsher you control him the less happy he’s going to be, the less love he’ll have to give and the more likely he’ll be to leave you. If you’re going to act like a spoiled princess then he should leave you because you’re not fit to be in a relationship. You can be a princess, but treat your man like your prince, not your whipping boy.
Here’s some more blogs I’ve written about relationships:
And one I didn’t: