10 signs you should stop pretending to be a Christian


1. You’re a dick. I don’t know how many people I’ve met and seen who treat other people like dirt and then turn around and claim to be Christians. I’ve known many self-proclaimed Christians who are consistently hurtful to other people and who seem to take genuine satisfaction from tearing other people down. And I’m not just talking about the extreme Westboro Baptist Church-goers wearing “God Hates Fags” t-shirts. I’m talking about the normal guy in the office next to you. I’m talking about the guy you always knew was a dick head, and then one day you saw him praying before a meal in the break room and you thought, “What the fuck?”

I cannot fathom how one brain can cultivate and contain enough cognitive dissonance to be a complete dick head to everyone around him and still claim to be a Christian. So if you’re that guy, and you’re reading this, you almost certainly fail to recognize that I’m talking about you. Just know that if Jesus really died for our sins, you will be the first to get thrown in Hell not just for the inexcusable way you treated God’s children but also for how irreparably you soiled Jesus’s name with your crappy, juvenile behavior.

2. You own expensive luxury items. I’ve seen Jesus fish car magnets on Hummers, BMWs, Cadillacs, Mercedes and every other luxury automobile I’m too poor to afford. I’ve heard self-proclaimed Christians brag about how many Gucci purses they own. I’ve seen pastors wearing suits that cost more than my entire wardrobe. I’ve watched TV on self-proclaimed Christians’ 50 inch plasma screens inside their million dollar upper class houses. I’ve seen people wearing 24 karat gold “WWJD” jewelry without expressing a hint of irony.

I must have read a different Bible than these people, because in the one I read Jesus was penniless and consistently urged his followers to give up everything they owned so they could devote their lives to helping the poor. Owning expensive luxury items is so opposite of everything Jesus stood for that I can’t even really articulate how hypocritical that is other than to just repeat what I just said slower and louder.

Obviously you’ve found some way to reconcile your hypocrisy in your own head and would be more than happy to use it to shoot down my accusations, but honestly, if you had that argument with Saint Peter at the pearly gates do you think he would be impressed by your mental gymnastics? Dude, you’re not getting into Heaven. If you’re going to choose the way of the world then just run with it and live it up while you can. Quit wasting your time with pretenses.

3. You spend more time sitting in church than you do working in charity. How many times did Jesus enter a church in the Bible, and what did he do when he was there? Off the top of my head I can only think of 2 times he ever entered a church. The first time he was a child, and he was telling the religious leaders they were fools for putting too much importance on the law and not enough importance on people. He returned to church as an adult and went on a rampage over how profit-centric the church had become.

2000 years later Jesus is still rolling in his grave. Self-proclaimed Christians would say that religion does a lot to help people, and that’s great….but what about you? Do you just punch your time card with God every Sunday and then get back to taking care of your own family? Have you ever eaten with a homeless person ever? Did Jesus set up a $50 recurring direct deposit to the Roman equivalent of the Salvation Army and call himself a martyr? No….because that’s not good enough. That’s borderline pointless, and if that’s what you do then it’s pointless to call yourself a Christian.

P.S. If you do in fact go out of your way to consistently help people at noticeably expense to your own quality of life, then I’m not talking to you. But let’s be honest, you don’t go out of your way to consistently help people at noticeable expense to your own quality of life.

4. You habitually indulge in self-gratification. I’ve actually had multiple religious arguments with self-proclaimed Christians while they were holding a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other. And yes, that was in Texas. Their justification: Jesus never said you couldn’t smoke. True. Jesus also never said you couldn’t buy season tickets to your favorite sports team. Jesus never said you shouldn’t watch professional wrestling. Jesus never said you shouldn’t eat so much processed food it gives you diabetes. Jesus never said a lot of things, but he did live a distinctly ascetic lifestyle (and not just for 40 days). Do you live a distinctly ascetic lifestyle or do you live more sumptuously than 2/3 of the world’s population? If you have to make excuses for your relative decadence, I don’t want to hear them because really, the only point in trying to justify yourself to me is to justify your actions to yourself. Tell your bullshit to God. He’s the one you’re going to have to answer to anyway. But until you see the Lord face to face, you may want to stop telling people that you base your life on the example Jesus set….because you don’t, and it’s blatantly obvious to everyone but you.

5. You’re prejudiced. Not all self-proclaimed Christians are prejudiced, but enough of them are that prejudice and Christianity have become synonymous. Hitler used Christianity to justify the internment of the Jews. The KKK used Christianity to justify enslaving African Americans. The Westboro Baptist Church isn’t an isolated anomaly but merely the far extreme of a broad spectrum of intolerance in the name of Jesus.

Having said that, nobody would argue that Jesus was an intolerant, xenophobic racist at the end of his life. You could even argue that blind acceptance of our fellow man was the crux of his message. So if you’re in favor of closed borders, segregation and the persecution of sinners and dissidents, find a different group to identify with than Christians because that’s just not fair to people who do actually emulate the egalitarian beliefs and behaviors of Jesus.

6. You don’t live in an egalitarian commune. To be a Christian is to be Christ-like. This makes being a Christian hard, because from the time Jesus started his ministry he basically lived as a traveling beggar and public speaker until his death. This isn’t a lifestyle choice we can make a categorical imperative out of. If everyone in the world sold everything they owned and travelled the world preaching to each other the human race would die off in a generation from lack of productivity. So this is one instance where you really have to disregard Jesus’s example a little. This raises the question though, how much should a good Christian tone down Jesus’s fanaticism to arrive at a level that’s sustainable while still honoring the spirit of Jesus’s teachings?

Given that Jesus was penniless and an adamant advocated of asceticism and austerity, I would say that living in a $250,000+ house with a huge entertainment system in the living room, a luxury automobile in the parking lot and a golden safety net in the bank would be the extreme example of how not to be Christ-like. I would argue that Paul was closer to the mark (Acts 4:32-35) in how he lived communally with his Christian brethren, owning nothing and sharing everything equally. I certainly can’t find any reason why Jesus would object to egalitarian communal lifestyle. But don’t take my word for it. There are millions of monks all over the world who have come to the same conclusion.

7. You’re a pedophile. Seriously. If you can’t keep your dick in your pants then don’t stay in the ministry. You’re not doing anyone any good. And don’t defend pedophiles in the ministry. Disown them the way they disowned Christ. Nobody will fault you for that. They will fault you for covering up sex crimes and operating sex rings, and that will hurt your entire religion’s reputation.

8. You support the military. We all know that Jesus said if your enemy strikes you then you should turn the other cheek. I’ve also heard it argued that Jesus actually intended to mobilize an armed insurrection against the Romans, which would make sense why they killed him in a way that made an example out of him, but even if Jesus did support military action against the white, western imperialist nation that was building permanent military bases in the Middle East and setting up puppet leaders in the local government, that would still set a precedent that Christians should stand opposed to military aggression, particularly in the Middle East.

Having said that, let’s suppose Jesus really meant it when he said to turn the other cheek. Logic tells us that it’s impractical, even reckless, to make a categorical imperative out of this rule. A lot of American Christians own guns and believe in their right to defend their house, and it’s fine to believe that….as long as you don’t call yourself a Christian. You certainly shouldn’t call yourself a Christian if you serve in a military that actively invades other countries. If you’re actually in the military you probably justify it to yourself by saying that you’re fighting for freedom, and that’s fine. You can call yourself a hero for that. Just don’t call yourself a Christian. Jesus didn’t kill for freedom. He allowed himself to be killed. Even if you aren’t in the military but still actively support the military and the troops who do the killing, then by all means, call yourself a patriot, but don’t call yourself a Christian because you’re advocating the opposite of what Jesus advocated.

9. You don’t speak Aramaic, Hebrew or at least Latin or Greek or have an intimate knowledge of ancient Middle Eastern history. I’m not saying that just because Jesus spoke Aramaic that you have to speak Aramaic too in order to be Christ-like. What I am saying is that in order to think and act like Jesus you need to understand where Jesus was coming from. The better you speak the language he spoke in, and the more you understand the culture he was raised in, the better you will understand his message. The less you understand these things the less you’ll understand his message and thus the less chance you’ll have of being able to follow his example. The less you understand the original context of the Bible the more you’ll subconsciously project your own context into it. When you do that you end up reading what you want into the Bible, and all your Bible study does is serve as a mirror with which you justify to yourself the modern values of the culture you were raised in.

In other words, don’t claim to be a die-hard, card-carrying member of the Shakespeare fan club if the only thing you know about Shakespeare was what you gathered from watching the Leonardo DiCaprio version of “Romeo and Juliet.”

10. It’s been thousands of years since Jesus died. It’s been 2000 years since Jesus supposedly lived. You live a life of luxury and privilege. You barely know anything about Jesus’s life and environment. You spend more time making excuses for why you don’t live like him than you actually do living like him. And you’re an intolerant jerk…or at least effectively apathetic to the suffering of the poor. The only real Christians are Biblical scholars living in monasteries, and they’re no use to themselves, God or anyone else. They’re living in the past while you’re pretending to. Fuck it. Give up the charade. Admit you’re not a Christian and take a more reasonable, logical, scientific approach to self-improvement. You can start by reading “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie and “How to Argue and Win Every Time” by Gerry Spence.

If you liked or hated this blog you’ll probably feel the same way about these:

 

 

 

16 comments

  1. “This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 6th, 2011 at 5:03 am”
    Uh, where do you live, good sir, if I might ask (its quite alright if I can’t)? As it is still 2:18am where I live..

  2. This is totally religious, false & misleading…this is plain garbage…this sounds like an ignorant angry person with a lack of knowledge about what they are talking about typed this…..first repent to God for completely not even understanding scripture…then ask the Holy Spirit to open your eyes & show you the word of God…..because man and especially you definitely do not understand the word of God…….how ever don’t misguide this….I speak correction out of love & I pray that God opens your eyes and blesses you with abundant wisdom & understanding…because my brother you are not understanding the word of God at all….

    1. You’ve succeeded in capturing everything that was being talked about, it’s like wise sloth had you in mind when he wrote this

  3. these are actually true…. i know i don’t have rights to say anything about these stuffs but ive experienced everything it says here… im not a christian (catholic) and i studied in christian school and my classmate does a lot of things that they shouldn’t be doing (such as bullying,idolizing & stealing)… i know i idolized famous people before, but until i learn in the bible that i shouldn’t be idolizing anyone. its hard to be friends with them, because they think im not cool enough, they even talkback about me… its really sad for me. i looked up to the christian as best people im going to be with, im not saying they all the same, but im just maybe unfortunate to be there.
    i do really HATE when they go in the front to kneel down their knee and ask for forgiveness and right after that day they still doing the same bad things, and ofcourse i trully get offended for not respecting for their own religion.
    the most i experienced that turns me more sadder when theres a lady, a former student of the school came to me and told me a story that she sent a mail or talk to them in person and pleased to help her son to live his life to god again
    and not a single staff help her… thats really bad.(SUCKS!) but i dought because they heard his son did, and loose his “church” friend. i wonder if this happens to me…to you?

    (reason why i stopped going to sunday church)
    i went to church with a different looks and see what would they react.
    and i dyed my hair blonde and this guy(schoolmate) randomly looked at me and says “you think youre cool?”
    (=_=): you could just say that was not right. i was speechless and walked out the church.
    (SOME PEOPLE JUST DONT KNOW THE PHRASE “Think before Saying?”

    theres a certain separation during lunch time
    theres a soccer seats,basketball seats, volleyball seats , drills seats & a looser seats.
    those 1st 4 activity either sometimes go seats together but not the looser seats.
    i myself dont seats either of them.. i rather stand ,looked around, and talk the teachers because i dont
    want them to feel the unevenness… unless they asked me to sit with them… i cant refused that.. it would be rude if i ddnt.

    wow i feel better letting all things out… i feel a lil bit better now.
    thanks for reading

    -a man with a working brain personality

  4. While I completely agree with your premise that many, many self-proclaiming Christians live and behave in a very un- Christlike manner, based on your arguments I won’t be reading anything by Gerry Spence. Pointing out the shortcomings and failures of humans is not going to convince them they are wrong. Are you trying to make them better Christians or to get them to abandon a religion that they are not good at following? I am an atheist, and I am constantly amazed by the hypocrisy of Christians. But I would rather see a logical argument against the existence of a supreme power than a rant that assumes there could actually be such a thing as a real Christian. I will give you, however, that we’d all live in a better world if Christians and non-Christians were more Christlike.

  5. I’m a Christian, and the majority of my angst is in a lack of finding others who embody the antithesis of everything you present here. The infuriating part? Those same people look down on me because I’m “poor”, since it’s so obvious that my poverty is punishment for some secret sin!

  6. I am a christian and i appreciate your point of view alot and i feel convicted in a good way when i read it. I like the stuff i have read of yours and i think us christians need to be called out on our crap. i think we all need i little bit of ‘wise sloth’ wisdom. thanks for sharing your thougths

  7. Christians are humans, nonetheless, and humans are flawed. I’m not saying it is right that people do wrong things, but I am not here to waste my time and energy doing a job that I was never assigned (a.k.a judging them/pointing out their wrongdoings). Looking at Christianity and/or the church with a “sin-calculator” mentality (tallying all the sins that people are doing and pointing your finger with every tally saying “That’s not fair! You’re a christian,you shouldn’t be doing that”.) is just a waste of energy.

    (I am a Christian) I used to be fed up about the same things, but my Mom explained to me that the church consists of broken and hurt people that are looking for guidance and/or assistance; People who decided to take the route of Christianity in hopes of finding answers/solutions to these problems.

    It would make me angrier to know that they were Christian and doing these wrongdoings but guess what: after understanding Christians were human, I came to the realization that none of these people are or signed up to be saints, better yet, they will never be saints, So looking at their actions with this expectation of perfection is just as flawed as the person.

    Bewailing about what people aren’t following in their religion/life/existence/whatever, seems pointless to me. Don’t waste your time, energy, or breath.

    All in all, I hope the best for everyone (Christian, Hindu, Buddhist, Atheist,….Or not) and that they find what is right and just live their lives not getting carried away with what others do or don’t do.

    1. Brewetar, you nailed it. It seems to me that the most critical people don’t have a clue of the strength it takes to carry on while being crucified by everyone for EVERYdetail EVERY day ,no matter how hard you might be trying. Speaking for myself, i used to be the most popular star of the show. I had many friends. After all the turmoil within me i decided to giveup and follow christ. Just following is pure torture, not even considering living every step as Jesus lived by not owning anything. Its seems the love I once got from the world has turned to hate. I have no friends and people seem to attack me no matter what I do and how close to God I try to get. Im sick of being battered, judged, mocked, riduculed, alienated and having so much anxiety Im tired all the time because of people who dont understand the TRUE cost of carrying your own cross.

      1. I challenge you to tell 10 homosexuals living in the Bible Belt how bad you’re persecuted. Then listen to their stories about how they’re persecuted by Christians. They can tell you what real persecution is. There may be some jerks out there who say rude things to you, and that’s not right, but all the people who disagree with you are right to. The Bible is mythology. If you don’t believe that then you haven’t read the Bible enough. The Bible no more real than the Polynesian legend of Maui. Consider this question honestly, how would it change your opinion of someone you respected if you found out they believed that Maui was an actual person, and all the legends about him were true? You might not mock the person to their face, but if nothing else you’d at least feel bad for them. Ask yourself honestly if you wouldn’t be a little scared of someone who believed in a Polynesian mythology that included passages like these. Someone who believed words like those were divinely inspired could easily justifying persecuting other people… as every homosexual, atheist, agnostic, and Muslim (to name a few) who live in America can tell you from experience.

        1. I think you missed the point i was trying to make and to say someone has been persecuted more than me when you honestly don’t know what ive beent and continue go through. I moved to a city where i have no family. Lol ive had the pleasure of working with two gay guys who had no problem torturing me. I digress. What im saying is I dont have 12 desciples to fall back on, and it makes trying even harder when people take every little mistake and beat us to a pulp with it. Especially when tyou are new to the faith. Show me a perfect person and Ill show you a liar. However, I think you had a very valid argument.

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