Note 1: All women are different. You need to communicate with your’s to find out exactly what she wants, but if you don’t have a chance to ask or she won’t tell you then this guide is a good starting point.
Note 2: If you find something you disagree with in this essay, leave me a comment or send me a message so I can improve this guide.
Step 1: Get her in the mood.
It doesn’t take much more than the sight of breasts to get a man in the mood, and men can have a powerful orgasm by having sex with a woman they’re not emotionally or physically attracted to. As a general rule women are a bit different. Women’s bodies are more tied to their minds. This means the better they feel emotionally the better their orgasms will be. In fact, if a woman feels unsafe and insecure enough going into a sexual encounter then her locked up mind will lock up her body as well, and she might not be able to have an orgasm at all. If you go down on her the right way she might still be able to have an orgasm despite her anxieties, but in order to give her the best orgasm possible you need to get her in the mood first.
If you’ve been dating or married for a long time you’re obviously not going to spend hours setting the mood every time you’re intimate, but you can always do something, and every bit helps. If you have a one night stand or somehow suddenly find yourself in the position to go down on a girl and haven’t all day to woo her, you can still at least tell her the things that make her feel special and romanced.
Here are a few techniques for getting a girl in the mood:
- Compliment her. Tell her she’s beautiful and special. She put a lot of work into looking nice; compliment whatever she put the most effort into.
- Talk to her in the morning and tell her you’re going to pamper and tease her all night and give her an epic orgasm. Tell her to think about that all day.
- Sext her throughout the day and tell her erotic things.
- Tell her you love her or at least that she’s important to you.
- Touch her erotically and teasingly periodically throughout the day or over the course of a few hours before anyone gets naked.
- Give her a gift. Anything is better than nothing. If the gift is delivered to her in front of her friends and/or frenemies then you win.
- Take her out for a nice dinner at a classy place or cook her a classy meal. Or just give her one chocolate strawberry. Anything.
- Dress for success, and wear nice underwear.
- Create a romantic environment that engages as many of the senses as possible. Use candles, music, aromas, dim lights, soft fabric, and make sure the room is clean and classy.
- Watch a sexy movie.
- Get her to read some erotic fiction or you could read it to her yourself.
- Give her a full body erotic massage.
The last item in this list is important enough to emphasize. Giving a girl a full body erotic massage is possibly the best thing you can do to prime a girl’s mind and body before going down on her. It gives her time to acclimate to being naked. It shows her that you care. It relaxes her body, which in turn eases any mental anxiety she may have, which in turn makes her body more willing and able to experience a full orgasm later. Plus, an erotic massage is obviously going to get anyone horny. The longer she’s horny the more the delayed gratification will build up inside of her. The bigger the build up, the better the orgasm.
If you skip all of this and just go down on her right away there will be little to no build up and thus no pressure to release, and she might still be holding onto anxieties from a hard day’s work or insecurities about her body or her decision to share herself with you (especially if this is the first time you’ve gone down on her). Again, she could still be able to achieve an orgasm if you go down on her the right way, but she won’t have as good of an orgasm as she could have if you’d turned her on emotionally and massaged away all her anxieties and aroused her with a good, long erotic massage first.
I shouldn’t have to say this, but wash your hands after massaging her. You’re going to be sticking your fingers in her vagina later, and if your fingers are coated in white, creamy lotion like you would use for a sunburn or ashy skin it will burn her vagina. If you used baby oil for the massage you won’t need to wash your hands, but when in doubt, wash your hands. If you do have to wash your hands this will give the girl time to cool down sexually, and that’s a bad thing. A smart way to recover lost ground is to get a hot, wet hand towel while you’re away washing your hands. When you come back use the hot, wet towel to wipe down her body. It feels really good. It shows that you know how to add the extra touch, and it’ll remove the excess lotion or oil from her body, which will make her feel less icky, which will make her feel more relaxed and confident, which will allow her to have a better orgasm.
Step 2: The Build Up
You won’t give every girl a full body erotic massage every time you go down on them, but you should do something to make the evening pleasant long before anyone’s clothes come off. Once the clothes do come off you need to read your girl’s emotional needs to decide how she wants you to transition from kissing her lips to licking her vagina. Sometimes it’s best to go down on her aggressively before she even has all of her clothes off. Sometimes it’s best to kiss every curve on her body first and tease her by grazing past her nether region several times before settling down.
The important thing to remember here is that women aren’t soda machines. You don’t press a series of preprogramed buttons and expect to get a drink out of her. You don’t master sex by memorizing women’s pressure points and then striking them in the right sequence. Sex is less like Karate and more like tango. Sex isn’t something you do to someone else. It’s something you do together; it’s a dance. Good tango dancing requires the dancing partners to read each other, communicate with each other and play off each other. In really good tango the dancers aren’t just performing synchronized calisthenics. They’re connected on an emotional level, and they express their shared emotional experience through the movements of their bodies. That’s how good sex happens. So if you want my advice on how to transition from kissing a girl’s lips to putting your head between her legs, I would say, “Listen to the music, and dance your way there.”
Once you’re finally ready to go down on her, lay her on her back. There are lots of creative positions you can go down on a girl from, and they’re all worth exploring, but as a general rule, for a girl to have the best orgasm possible she needs to be able to relax and concentrate on nothing but you going down on her. She can’t be any more relaxed than when she’s laying flat on her back with a comfortable pillow behind her head. So that’s a reliable go-to position.
Step 3: The Labia.
When you finally get your head between her legs you’re going to want to start from the outside of the vagina and work your way in beginning with the labia. Lick your thumbs and her labia until they’re completely wet. Here’s why you’re worried about moistening her labia. Next time you’re in the bathroom, rub your thumb on the mirror. Notice how rough that is? Now lick your thumb and rub it on the mirror. Notice how much smoother that is? Now lick your thumb and the mirror, and rub your thumb on the mirror where you licked it. Notice how that feels even smoother? That’s what the girl is feeling between her legs. Also, jam a cactus between your legs sometime. That’s what a girl feels when you go down on her with a five-o’clock shadow.
Once you’ve got the labia and the surrounding area wet, massage the lips and surrounding area lightly with your thumbs. Do small, fluid circles or slide your thumbs up and down the length of the lips. Start on the outside of the lips, and eventually work your way to rubbing the inside of the lips without penetrating the vagina. Slower movements are usually better than faster movements.
There are two reasons why you’re massaging on and around the labia. First of all, the girl probably isn’t wet enough inside for you to stick your finger in her vagina, (especially if you haven’t given her a full body erotic massage first) and you’re going to need to stick a finger or two into her vagina eventually. Even if your fingers are covered in enough lube to make up for her being dry you should still let her get wet on her own, because getting wet is her body’s way of saying she’s ready for penetration. Massaging the labia will help her vagina moisten and relax.
The other reason it’s important to massage her labia is because when her vagina gets attention inside and out she’ll have a stronger orgasm. Think of a blow job. A blow job is great, but if the girl massages you’re balls in the process then so much the better. Massaging her labia is sort of equivalent to massaging your balls. You don’t want to focus all your attention there, but you’re missing out if it’s ignored completely.
Step 4: The clit.
Massage the labia for about three seconds before proceeding to step 4. Then you’re actually going to be licking the clit at the same time as you’re massaging the labia.
If you don’t know where the clit is, stick one finger inside the girl’s vagina. Now trace that finger straight up pulling your finger out of the vagina. Keep moving your finger straight upwards along her skin in the direction of the belly button. About a quarter of an inch above the opening of the vagina your finger should snag on a little hood-shaped piece of skin. When that happens the tip of your finger should be pointing directly at the clit under the hood. The clit should feel like a small bump. If you can’t find it on your own it’s better to ask for directions than to never get there, because if you can’t get there then she won’t get to cum.
Notice that all you’ve done with your tongue so far is lubricated the labia and then gone straight for the clit. That’s because the clit is the whole point of going down on a girl, and until you get there you’re missing the point.
When you get there, don’t try to be creative. I’ve read in several men’s magazines that a great way to make a girl cum is to spell out the alphabet with your tongue on the clit. I’m convinced that they tell you this to make sure that you remain sexually inept so you have to keep buying men’s magazines for advice. The alphabet thing doesn’t work because it’s not rhythmic. Women need constant rhythm to orgasm just like men. When you get a blow job or a hand job you don’t want the girl to be stroking you chaotically and licking you all over the place randomly the whole time. You want her to give you rhythmic strokes that get progressively faster without ever getting too fast, and once she gets to a good pace you don’t want her to change anything, because when you’re right on the verge of cumming and all of a sudden the girl starts doing something different you’ll be laying there screaming in your head, “Damnit, you were almost there! I was obviously enjoying that. So why did you stop doing that?!” The same thing happens to girls.
You don’t have to worry about her getting bored with what you’re doing. She won’t. Pretty much all she wants you to do is go up and down with your tongue like the Karate Kid painting a fence or like turning a light switch on and off with your tongue. Don’t go side to side. Even if it feels good for a girl your tongue will get tired faster than licking up and down. And if you cut the tendon on the bottom of your tongue on your bottom row of teeth then you’re going way too crazy with your tongue.
The only other technique that most girls like is having you suck their clit sort of like you’d suck their nipple. You can suck it up and down like you’re giving it a mini blow job. You can suck it between your lips and then, while you have it trapped there, lick it with your tongue like a lollipop. You can really get a good grip on a clit that way, especially if/when they harden (which happens to some girls the closer they are to cumming).
Whatever you do, start off lightly and slowly. Girls’ clits tend to be sensitive at first. Plus, they need to settle into the experience of being gone down on and get their thoughts straight. Think about this: If a girl grabbed your flaccid penis and started stroking it as hard and as fast as she could you would not be happy about that (most of the time). But if a girl did a strip tease for you, then kissed your body up and down before giving you a slow, sensual blow job that gradually sped up to fucking-speed….then you would have a memorable orgasm. Girls’ minds and bodies work the same way.
Step 5: Fingering.
So you’ve been licking the clit and massaging the labia for a minute or two. In this time you’ve increased the speed of your licking a little. If you’re lucky the girl will give you a sign that it’s time to step it up a notch: moaning, heaving, wetness, hardened nipples or the clit hardening and growing minutely taller. You won’t always get (or recognize) a clear sign though. A day will come when you’ll just have to guess. You could always ask, but it might kill the mood. Then again, if you’re completely lost, you’re already killing the mood. If you do have to ask, don’t ask apologetically and insecurely. Ask confidently or playfully. You can ask her forcefully if that’s the tune you’ve been dancing to. Just find a way to work it into your dance.
After massaging the labia and licking the clit for a minute or two stop massaging the labia. Then take the hand that you write with and lick the fingers you’re going to stick into the vagina. You want to use the hand you write with, because you have more control of that hand, and it’ll take longer to get tired. Don’t lube your fingers up with lube, because that would keep you away from the clit too long, and that will give the girl time to cool down, which neither of you want. Get your fingers as wet as possible as quickly as possible, and then insert one or two fingers into the vagina with your palm facing up.
You want this to be comfortable for the girl. So don’t try to cram as many fingers in as possible. You might even want to start with one and work your way up to two or three after her vagina loosens up, but only use three fingers if the girl you’re going down on has a very loose vagina. If you’re unsure how many fingers you should use then just use one. You might think one finger is too little because it doesn’t fill her up, but you don’t need to fill her up. You need to rub the roof of the vagina without hurting her.
Once you start fingering the vagina with your writing-hand then your non-writing-hand is just going to get in your way if you try to keep stimulating the labia with it. You can use that hand to lift the girl’s ass to help you reach her clit or play with her breasts or caress her wherever. Do whatever you want. Just know that if you do too much with that hand you run the risk of distracting her from what your tongue is doing.
Before your finger penetrates the vagina you should tease her opening. Stick the tip of your finger in and out playfully. Then stick your finger in up to your knuckle a few times. Then slide your finger all the way in. Feel free to do this for a whole minute. Teasing the vagina by penetrating it in stages helps the girl’s mind and body acclimate to being penetrated. So instead of being shocked by having a foreign object unceremoniously crammed inside her, she’ll yearn for your finger to go deeper and deeper into her personal space. The emotional comfort and delayed gratification will give her a better orgasm.
Once you get your finger/s all the way in you can caress her tunnel however you think will convey your passion for her… for a minute at most. Ultimately though, the point of sticking your finger in the vagina is to stimulate the G-spot. Don’t get stressed out about finding its exact location; it’s not a point like the clit. It should really be called “the G area,” and that area is the roof of the vagina just past the opening. If your finger tips feel ridges on the roof of the vagina then you’re there, but every girl feels different.
Don’t bother rubbing the bottom or the sides of the vagina unless you’re trying to spice things up with a girl you’ve been going down on a for a while. Don’t bother making circles to touch all 360 degrees of the tunnel (unless the girl is really tight and you need to loosen the vagina up for sex afterward). Don’t worry about reaching the very back of the vagina. There’s not a pot of gold back there. The trick isn’t to go deep. The trick is to be sensual and to cover the length of the G-area. So focus on the roof just beyond the opening.
Here’s a good way to hit the G-spot. Insert your finger all the way in her vagina (with your palm facing up). Then slide your finger all the way out while pressing your finger against the roof. When you do that it will be impossible to miss the G-spot. Keep sliding your finger in and out while pressing on the roof of the vagina. Don’t finger-bang the vagina (unless you know she’s a dirty, nasty, sex crazed maniac). Give the roof a rhythmic, sensual massage like you’re massaging a flower. If you’re doing anything that would tear a flower apart then it might not be comfortable for her. You can change things up a little by sliding your fingers to the left and right like a snake slithering. You can also just massage the roof in circles like massaging your temples when you have a head ache. The wildest you should possibly get is twisting your wrist back and forth so that your fingers make a cork screw motion.
You can do combinations of these techniques, but don’t keep switching it up. If you do one method, do it for a while. If you change, stick with that for a while. Give her time to get into what you’re doing. And make sure that whatever you’re doing you do it fluidly. Herky-jerky motions won’t get you anywhere. If she’s responding well to what you’re doing then don’t change.
Once you’ve got all this going on just keep doing it. You’ll want to slowly increase the speed of your licking. You’ll also want to increase the speed of your fingers… but not by much. You don’t want to speed up to finger-banging speeds. Think about getting a hand job. There’s a point where the girl can stroke you so fast that you don’t feel anything or the friction numbs your cock. The same thing can happen to a girl. However, if she starts humping your fingers then she probably wants you to finger her harder. In that case, oblige her.
At the beginning of this step it was okay to give the clit long, full strokes with your tongue, but as you get closer to orgasm you need to speed up your licks. This means that you’ll want to use fast flicks with the tip of your tongue.
Step 6: The orgasm.
There are several ways you can tell a girl is about to orgasm. Her clit may become very hard. The inside of her vagina might expand noticeably. She might grab your head and start screaming “Oh fuck! Oh God. Oh (insert your name here)!” Or her body might tense up and/or spasm violently.
When you can tell she’s definitely about to cum, start licking at full speed using the tip of your tongue. With the fingers you have inside her, press a little harder against the roof, and speed up a little, but don’t finger-bang.
When she finally does orgasm (and there will be no doubt about when that happens) keep licking at full speed, and finger bang her. That’s very important. Keep doing this until she pushes your head away from her. This is tricky, because the clit becomes very sensitive after an orgasm just like the head of the penis becomes very sensitive after a man orgasms. So if you stay on the clit too long and hard you can hurt a woman, but if you let off too early you ruin the best part of the orgasm.
After she’s had her orgasm her clit will be too sensitive to stimulate, but if you apply pressure on it without moving she can hold onto her orgasm a little longer. You can apply pressure by putting your tongue back onto her clit and pressing the top (not the tip) of your tongue flat on her clit. Just don’t move your tongue or head. If she moves her hips then let her, but don’t do anything yourself. After 5-30 seconds she’ll have gotten all she can out of her orgasm and will relax. Then you can move your head away.
After you’ve done the extra tongue press, wipe your face off on the sheets or something. Then pull your body up next to hers and embrace her in your arms. This post orgasmic afterglow heightens the experience for most women. It lets her know that this wasn’t a purely physical experience for you, and therefore it allows the orgasm to be physical and emotional.
This is no small matter. If a girl had to choose between a night of a guy making her glow emotionally and a guy making her glow physically, she’d probably choose the emotionally satisfying evening. To girls, the emotional connection made during sex or foreplay is the main reason to have sex or engage in foreplay. So I reiterate, if you’re going to go through all this trouble to please her physically then go to the same lengths to make the experience as emotionally pleasing.
While you’re laying next to her you can stick one of your legs in between hers so that your thigh presses up against her clit. Don’t rub your thigh up and down her clit, because her clit will still be so sensitive that friction would probably hurt her. Don’t worry about how strategically your thigh is placed in her crotch. Just press it up there. By applying pressure with your thigh you’ll continue to keep her sexual excitement from fading away the same way you did with your tongue. At best this will give her another orgasm. At worst, it lets her hold onto her pleasure a little longer. Wouldn’t you pay money to hold onto your orgasm a little longer? She’ll love the fact that you’re helping her hold onto her orgasm. Plus, it’ll show her that you really do know what you’re doing.
Instead of pressing your thigh against her clit you could also mount her in a missionary position and press the base of your cock against her clit, but don’t penetrate the vagina with your cock. Just press and hold it against the clit. If she gyrates her hips to rub her clit against the base of your cock then let her, but be hesitant to rub back unless she’s rubbing you so hard it’s obvious that her clit is no longer too sensitive for friction.
A note to men who don’t want to go down on girls:
What I’m about to say is just my opinion. You don’t have to agree with me, but it’s worth contemplating.
It’s perfectly understandable how a guy could be a little grossed out by a woman’s vagina and hesitant to put their mouth on it. There are a lot of different kinds of secretions down there. However, they’re really no worse than what a woman is going to have in her mouth when she gives a blow job. And really, when you have sex you’re both wallowing in bodily fluids and gasses. Being bashful about bodily fluids is just kidding yourself and holding both of you back from enjoying the fullness of sexual intimacy. None of those juices are going to hurt you. After having sex enough times you’re going to realize that and throw your inhibitions out the window eventually. So you may as well go ahead and take the plunge.
Going down on a girl is about more than just swapping bodily fluids and eliciting a chemical reaction in each other’s pleasure organs. Look at it from the girl’s point of view. Her vagina is her most private, most sacred part of her body. Very few people in all of eternity will ever get to see or touch it. So getting to go down on her is a privilege that you should be honored to experience. So don’t view going down on a girl as an icky challenge. View it as a sincere and flattering compliment.
That’s reason enough to be willing to go down on a girl, but you should be eager to go down on a girl because it’s one of the most intimate ways you can show her how much you care about her. If your girl is important to you then her pleasure and her emotions should be important to you. Going down on her is a chance for you to express your passion for her in a way that she’ll feel all the way down to the center of her core. Frankly, if she’s not important enough to you for you to get over your oral sex anxiety then she deserves better than you.
A note to women who don’t want men to go down on them:
Ladies, I’m not trying to lecture you on how you should view or share your body. I just want to share some thoughts with you from the male perspective. I know a lot of you feel bashful about letting men see or touch your naked body let alone allowing them to put their mouth on your vagina. It’s natural to have insecurities, and you know better than men what goes on between your legs. You might be ashamed of your own vagina, and you might not believe that a man would actually want to put their tongue on or in it. As I mentioned above, yes, there are some men who feel that way, but they’re mostly sexually inexperienced men who will grow out of it or they’ve been brainwashed by religion to fear and loath sexuality. In that case, the problem isn’t you. The problem is that they’ve been duped into believing in mythology that reflects the values of primitive tribesmen and not reality.
In reality your body is a treasure. Your vagina is a treasure, and any man who gets to go down on you is the luckiest man in the world. Mature men recognize that, and mature lovers truly, truly want to show you how much joy you bring into their life by channeling that joy through your clitoris until it fills up your pleasure core to the point of exploding and shaking all of your limbs with a full body orgasm. There are very few joys in this world equal to the joy it brings a man when he gives the woman he cares about an orgasm. So on behalf of every mature lover out there, I beg you. Don’t let let your insecurities come between us. Let us return the joy you give us. Let us connect with you on that most intimate of levels. Let us go down on you.
Other technical pointers:
- Trying to fit both your hands and your face between a girl’s legs comfortably is pretty hard, but your comfort isn’t what’s important here. Making her cum is what’s important. So you’ll just have to deal with it. But if you just absolutely don’t have enough room to maneuver and are so uncomfortable that you’re getting frustrated you can have her rest her ass on a pillow, which will give you more room. You can also move your head a little closer to her belly button. You might be surprised how far up her abdomen you can put your head and still be able to lick her clit.
- If a girl ever stops you while you’re going down on her and says something like, “You got me so hot. I can’t wait any longer. Put it in me now,” there’s a 65 percent chance she’s really saying, “You suck. Let’s hurry up and fuck and get this disappointing charade over with.”
- If that ever happens to you then you know that at some point after you finish fucking you need to get advice on how to do it better. You don’t want to get advice right then, because that would absolutely destroy any mood and make you look insecure. Sometime later, preferably when she’s drunk and being honest, ask what you can do to improve. Even if you do make her cum every time there’s probably still room for improvement. So communicate with your girl. When you do ask your girl for advice she might not give it to you right away. She might not want to hurt your feelings (even if she claims that’s not the case) or she might not know. There’s a good chance you’ll have to extract your tips one at a time over the course of many conversations over the course of many months. Ask specific as well as general questions. Ask her what she doesn’t like. Ask her if she liked/disliked one specific thing you were doing. Ask if there’s something you’re not doing that she wants. If you do something new ask if she liked it better than the old things you were doing. Don’t necessarily trust her moans and thrusts to tell you what you’re doing right. Don’t ask her if anyone else did it better, and don’t apologize for your failure. Both of those things just make you look insecure. Just get better.
- If your jaw hurts when you’re done it just means you’re not going down on her enough.
- If you’re going down on a chubby girl your nose may press against her stomach and make it difficult to breath. In that case tilt your head to the side so that one of your ears is resting on her flesh. You’ll be licking her clit from a sort of sideways angle. You won’t have as much control over the clit as you would facing it directly, but at least you’ll have at least one nostril open to breath with. You can also breath through your mouth, but that will dry out your tongue.
- While you’re going down on a girl you could potentially reach your arms up and play with her nipples a little, but as a general rule you want to keep your hands on her vagina. Don’t grip her legs and caress her body during oral sex. Think about when you’re getting a blow job. Sure, it’s cool if the girl shows you that she’s getting into it by grabbing your ass and caressing your stomach a little, but those hands could be better used by fondling your balls or stroking the shaft of your cock. So if you’re going to caress her or grab her body away from her sexual organs then do it just long enough to get the point across that you’re excited by what you’re doing (which will make her feel more comfortable if nothing else) and then get back to stimulating her where it counts most.
- If your girl is sexually liberated enough you can substitute a vibrator for putting your fingers inside her. If you do that make sure you get a small vibrator, because a big one will get in the way of your chin. Also, work it inside her as gently and as rhythmically as you would with your fingers. Making it vibrate too hard or thrusting it inside her too fast or forcefully will draw her attention away from what you’re doing to her clit, and that’s bad.
- If you’ve watched a lot of porn you’ve probably seen what I like to call “the porn pat.” That’s when you slap the clit. Don’t do that. That’s bad. And don’t be like Jay from “Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back” and rub the bridge of your nose on the clit. That doesn’t do anything.
- Don’t stick your tongue inside the vagina like you’re fucking it with your tongue…unless she says she likes that, but 99 times out of 100 they don’t. Either way, if your tongue is in her vagina then it can’t be on her clit, and that’s bad.
- Don’t try to go down on a girl who has been running around all day and hasn’t had a chance to shower. Her vagina will smell and taste bad, and even if you’re freaky enough not to mind that she’ll likely be self-conscious about it, and that anxiety will lock up her body and prevent her from having as good of an orgasm as possible (if at all).
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