This Was Your Life: Part 3

this was your life

Transcript

A man wearing a blue jump suit and a green cap stands on a cloud next to an elaborate gate. From a distance he hears shouting.

Scuba Diver: Help me! I’m drowning! Somebody help me!

Stranger: You’re not drowning. You already drowned.

Scuba Diver: Dang it. I’m dead. Hey, are those the pearly gates to Heaven?

Stranger: Well, let’s just say I’m the guy you need to talk to.

Scuba Diver: So, uh. What do you want to talk about?

Stranger: What do you think God’s name is?

Scuba Diver: The thing about that is, I’m agnostic. So I leave open the possibility for the existence of God, but I won’t put a name to something I don’t know.

Stranger: Hmmm. That leaves me in a bit of a pickle.

Scuba Diver: Why is that?

Stranger: Well, you see, God does exist, but God is too big for a name. So you got that part right, but you didn’t have dogmatic faith in God’s existence.

Scuba Diver: What does it matter if I have dogmatic faith in God’s existence?

Stranger: Hahahahaha. That’s a stupid question. I mean, how can your creator do anything else nice for you if you don’t have unwavering belief in something you’re impossibly ignorant of?

Scuba Diver: My point exactly. That doesn’t make any sense.

Stranger: Says you. Anyway, the topic is moot. Now here’s what’s going to happen. Normally, everyone who guesses God’s name wrong or doesn’t believe in God simply turns into a ghost and has to spend the rest of eternity passively watching the universe run its course. And people who get God’s name right, get to experience every moment of awareness every other living thing has ever and will ever experience. Since you were kind of half right about God, I’ll let you pick how you want to spend the next few trillion years.

Scuba Diver: Holy crap, that’s heavy. One the one hand, I don’t want to experience all the suffering of every living creature in time and space… but since that seems to be the reward, I’m suspicious about how agonizing it would be to be a passive observer forever.

Stranger: Well… it’s not forever. Just until all the atoms in the universe reach a temperature of -459.67 degrees Fahrenheit.

Scuba Diver: What happens after that?

Just then, a man wearing a blue jump suit, green hat and long, fake beard appears out of a burst of flames.

Scuba Diver: Eeeek!

Bearded Stranger: What’s going on here? Holy Crap! Were you screwing with the dead while I was on break?

Stranger: Noooo.

Scuba Diver: He was just helping me decide whether I want to experience every living organisms’ existence or be a ghostly observer until the end of the universe.

Bearded Stranger: Since when do mortals get to choose their fate?

Stranger: Well, Scuba Steve over here is an agnostic, and I mean, what do you do with an agnostic?

Bearded Stranger: Hmmm. That’s a good question.

Scuba Diver: Seriously, guys? This issue has never come up before?

Bearded Stranger: Of course it has. The truth is it doesn’t matter what you believe. Everyone just goes into a nonexistent sleep until the universe blinks out of existence.

Scuba Diver: What do you mean, “until?” What happens after that?

Stranger: That’s for us to know, and you to find out.

Bearded Stranger: NOW BE GONE!

The scuba diver disappears in a burst of flames while the two strangers giggle.

Bearded Stranger: Now that he’s gone, would you care to explain yourself?

Stranger: You were right, Loki. It really is fun lying to the dead just before sending them off.

Bearded Stranger: You know, I’m fine with karma coming back to bite me in the ass, but I’m a masochist like that. I’m surprised you’re willing to reap what you know you’re sowing.

Stranger: Man, as boring as it is up here, a little adversity would just be a welcome adventure. Send in the next one.

Bearded Stranger: Alright, I’m going to pretend to be on break again.

THE END

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Conversation with a bank greeter

bank greeter

Transcript

Banker:Hello, Buddy. Welcome to the bank that loves you. How are you doing today?

Customer: Not too good, I’m afraid.

Banker: Really? What’s wrong, friend?

Customer: Well, I just hate coming to your bank, because I know I’m going to have to exchange cheerful greetings with four employees not doing any work before I even get to the counter. Then your receptionist is going to ask about my day and try to make small talk.

Banker: Whoa there, Negative Nacy. We’re just being friendly because we love you so much. Don’t blame me because your daddy didn’t love you.

Customer: If you look at the bigger picture, you may be surprised by how logical it is for me to be nauseated by your behavior. For starters, what if I don’t feel like conversing? I can’t walk past for people and dismiss them without looking like an asshole.

Banker:Well, why not just be a nice person and return their greeting?

Customer: The thing about that is, it’s not your place to ask. But every time I come into this bank, I have to act how you want me to or else I’ll look like an asshole. You set me up to look like an asshole… for not doing something I don’t want to do. Which is why I always just return your exaggerated greetings. But that just means you’ve succeeded at manipulating me into acting fake.

Banker: I’m sorry you feel that way, but I’m not going to apologize for expressing my love for you.

Customer: Then apologize for lying to my face. Did every single employee here independently come up with the idea to get in customers’ faces and pry into their personal lives?

Banker: Heck, no. Everyone is ordered to be aggressively friendly. It discourages bank robbers, and it makes most customers feel important.

Customer: And what happens if your employees aren’t aggressively friendly?

Banker: They get in trouble, and we threaten to fire them. If they don’t conform their behavior, we throw them out in the street to starve to death.

Customer: The fact that you force your employees to act like impossibly happy cult members makes me not want to say hi to you.

Banker: But all businesses do that. So it must be okay.

Customer: By the way, how profitable is this business, and how does it make money?

Banker: This bank is extremely profitable, and we make all of our money by taking it away from our customers through ATM fees, late fees, hidden fees, etc. We even charge customers for not having enough money. But the big profits come from high interest rates. And the poorer you are, the more you’re going to pay for everything.

Customer: So basically, every time I come here, you lie to my face and force me to kiss you on the cheek before you fuck me in the ass. How on Earth can you not understand why I’m underwhelmed with you?

Banker: Oh, I’m totally with you on this. I hate my job too, but I’m a slave to money just like everyone else. So, we do what the master tells us and find our own way to cope with living in an Orwellian world where money is more important than people.

Customer: Hmmm. Now I kind of do feel like an asshole for rubbing the cold reality of your hollow existence in your face like that.

Banker:Nah, I deserved it.

THE END

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How to be bad at sex

Contribute very little during sex.

Good sex isn’t something one person does to another. When one person does all the work, they’re just using the other person’s body as a masturbation device. That can be fun sometimes, but it becomes unfulfilling very quickly. Good sex is like tango. It’s a dance between two people who read each other’s body language, and work in tandem to express and explore a shared emotional experience.

Good lovers use everything they’ve got to engage their partner fully. Bad lovers don’t instigate sex, and when they allow sex to happen, they lay there like a sack of potatoes and grunt like a lazy cat when their partner tries to instigate a new position. Nobody wants to have sex with a groaning sack of cat potatoes.

Contribute very little outside of sex.

Bad lovers think of sex as beginning when an orifice is penetrated. Good lovers think of sex as everything that happens after clothes start coming off. Great lovers think of sex as the total sum of their relationship with their partner.

Every interaction you have with your partner at any point in time is a chance for you to give or deny them pleasure. Every compliment, every gift, every touch, every look is just as important as what happens during physical sex. If you can give your partner an orgasm every time you have sex, but you withhold affection the rest of the time, that makes you bad at sex.

Always be in control.

There’s a lot to be said for taking charge and knowing what you’re doing. Your sexual skills may be world class, and your partner may love to be dominated, but there’s something valuable lost in perpetual one-sided sex. You don’t get to experience the fullness of the other person, and they don’t get to experience giving their self to you. Again, you may both agree that you’re good at what you do, but in the bigger picture, you’re only half good at what you do.

Withhold sex.

I said earlier, what you do outside the bedroom to pleasure your partner is just as important as what happens inside the bedroom. Well, what happens in the bedroom is important. Making love to your lover is the most intimate way you can express your love to them. By cutting off sex, you’re cutting off love.

You may have a perfectly good excuse for not wanting to have sex. You may have had a traumatic experience in your past, or a lifetime of not being loved has left you hollow, but if the obstacle is mental, and you claim to love your partner, then go see a therapist. If you can’t express your love through sex then express your love through getting help and mending the scars that are keeping you apart.

If you have a medical issue that prevents you from having sex with your partner, get as close to sex as you can without putting yourself at risk of danger. As long as the shared emotional experience is there, you’ve succeeded at sex.

But people who simply withhold sex because they have an agenda are terrible at sex, love and domestic partnership.

Don’t create ambiance.

Sex is more than just the penetration of an orifice. Sex is a total mind/body experience. Every touch, every word, every intention, every detail is part of the experience… including the physical environment.

A bad lover leaves dirty clothes lying all over the room and never changes the sheets. A good lover keeps the house clean, lights scented candles and wears nice underwear. A great lover takes their partner to a bed and breakfast in the mountains with a private outdoor hot tub, two bottles of champagne and a basket of strawberries.

Don’t pay attention to your partner.

In order to please your partner sexually, you need to find out what they want and then give it to them. That sounds simple enough, but every single human has different sexual preferences and needs. Each individual has different wants and needs at different times. They even change over the course of a single sexual session, and no two sessions are exactly the same. So if you want to pleasure your partner, it’s imperative that you pay attention to them. Watch them until you can predict what they want before they even want it. Then fuck them like you can read their mind. Then you’ll be a great lover.

Don’t communicate during sex.

You don’t have to be able to read your partner’s mind to know what they want. You can just ask them right there in the moment during sex. It doesn’t have to be awkward. You can ask in a sexy tone of voice, and even if your execution isn’t perfect, nobody is going to resent you for asking what they want and then giving it to them.

Likewise, you don’t have to wait for your partner to ask you what you want. If you want something, you can just open your mouth and say it. Your partner is already trying to please you. The easier you make their job, the happier they’ll be. You’d be surprised what you can get if you just ask.

There’s more to talk about during sex than just instructions and directions. See, everybody is born lost and lonely. We’re all just trying to make the most out of the brief time we have in this cold, savage world. Everybody yearns to be loved, wanted, appreciated, comforted, valued, and maybe even worshiped a little. We all want to know we matter, and sex gives us that positive feedback we so rarely get from the outside world. Sex without words is music without a song. You don’t have to spout poetry though. Just speak from the heart, and simply tell your partner a few of the wonderful compliments they’ve been waiting since childhood to hear.

Words are just one way to communicate. You can also use moans, shouts, groans and body language. Use your eyes, lips, hips and finger tips to communicate your passion for your partner. When they do something right, let them know by moaning and writhing. Then you won’t have to have as many instructional conversations during sex.

Don’t communicate about sex outside of sex.

Your partner will appreciate you asking for their input during sex, but nobody wants to play “20 questions” every time they have sex. You can speed up the process of learning your partner’s likes and dislikes by asking them at the dinner table for example. Pro Tip: It may help to get a bottle of wine in them to loosen their tongue before asking them to confess their naughty fantasies. Even without alcohol, you can learn things about your partner you never would have guessed in a thousand years simply by asking them. Then, you can come to bed prepared to rock your partner’s world.

It’s like the old saying goes, “Proper preparation prevents poor performance.”

Be impatient and judgemental.

Sex is a celebration of two people’s lives. It’s a distilled embodiment of everything good in reality. You’ll never give or receive the best sex possible if you measure the value of another human being by what they can do for you, because what you’re doing isn’t even sex. You’re just feeding on a host.

Even without getting philosophical about what “real sex” is, you’re going to degrade the quality of sex by being impatient and judgmental simply because you’re going to frustrate, embarrass, and discourage your partner with your negativity. That’s going to put them in a bad place mentally, which will degrade the quality of their sexual performance. If you had just not been whiny, and taken the time to compliment and coax them and build them up instead of tearing them down, they would have pounced on you like a berserk sex lion and shook you all night long like AC/DC instead of stuttering through the rest of your sex session like Charlie Brown.

Don’t do foreplay.

Sometimes you don’t have time for foreplay. Sometimes you and your partner are just so horny you can’t wait another minute for penetration. Rushed sex has its time and place. However, if you almost never engage in foreplay before sex, you’re not making the most out of sex for several reasons.

First, it generally takes a woman at least 10 minutes of erotic stimulation for her vagina to moisten, relax and stretch enough to be prepared for comfortable, rewarding penetrative sex. Let that sink in, men. 10 minutes is the bare minimum. If you rarely spend more than 10 minutes on foreplay, you’re rarely a good lover.

Another reason to spend more time on foreplay is because the longer both men and women are sexually stimulated, the more intense their orgasms will be. And foreplay feels really good physically. There’s no sense in passing that up. But more importantly, foreplay is an emotionally bonding experience. Skipping foreplay isn’t skipping a chore. It’s skipping an opportunity to experience the fullness of each other’s being.

Don’t do oral.

If you think oral sex is nasty, you’re naïve and selfish. Your partner’s body isn’t nasty. Your partner is a miracle inside and out. Only a very small handful of people in all of eternity will ever get to know them intimately or see them naked. Of all the people in the world they could choose to expose themselves completely to, they chose you… and you returned the honor by recoiling in disgust!?

Your partner deserves someone they can celebrate their body with fully and freely. The tragic irony is, by choosing not to fully experience your partner, you’re missing out on all the incredible joys that come from giving and receiving oral sex (of which, physical pleasure is only one of).

Don’t do anal.

Being hesitant to do anal doesn’t make you a prude. There are legitimate concerns when it comes to anal sex, but allow me to illustrate the bigger picture through use of a metaphor:

Two couples go to a carnival together. They approach a giant Ferris wheel. One couple wants to ride it, but the other couple is scared of falling off and doesn’t think the seats would be comfortable. The first couple goes on the ride and have the time of their life. After the ride is over they tell their friends how great the experience was. The friends brush them off saying, “If you liked it, that’s fine. It’s just not for us. We don’t have any interest in doing that sort of thing. We’re just not that kind of people.” The first couple drops the issue and respects their friend’s right to not be interested in having fun because they’re just not adventurous people.

I’m not saying you’re a bad person if you won’t take a dick in the ass. But if you won’t even consider a finger during oral or a butt plug during sex, you’re almost going out of your way not to have fun.

Don’t use toys.

The same metaphor I used for anal applies to using toys. However, anal sex involves feces and can be painful when done incorrectly. Most sex toys are no more dangerous or spiritually unnatural than a coffee mug.

Men need to understand that no woman is ever going to leave a man for a vibrator that’s bigger than his penis. No toy is ever going to replace a flesh and blood human who can hold, love, care for and impress a woman. Toys aren’t a threat. They’re an opportunity to achieve better orgasms with less physical effort. No woman is going to roll over after a sex session using toys and say, “The toy was better than you.” They’re going to roll over and say, “What we just did together was great.”

I’m just saying, work smarter not harder. And, the fewer ways you make your lover orgasm, the less you’ve done for your lover.

Be unhealthy.

Sex with an Olympic athlete is going to be better than sex with an Ebola patient. I say that without disrespect or judgement towards the Ebola patient. This is a stoic fact. Sex is literally calisthenics. The better shape your body is in, the better you can do calisthenics.

We can’t all be Olympic athletes, but what we can do, we should, and let’s be honest, are you really doing everything you can to be in as good of shape for your partner as possible? If not, you’re not doing everything you can to be the best lover you can be.

Don’t practice safe sex.

It doesn’t matter how good you are at sex if, after each session, you put a bullet in a revolver, spin the chamber, point the barrel at your partner’s head and pull the trigger. Nothing will alter the course of a person’s life quicker and more totally than an STD or an unplanned pregnancy. Putting someone at risk for either of those fates is the most disrespectful thing you can do to them. If you don’t practice safe sex, you automatically lose your good lover card.

Always do the same thing.

If you only ever have sex in the missionary position in the same place at the same time at the same speed every time you have sex, you are most definitely not fulfilling your potential. Even if you and your partner have been together long enough to know exactly what the other person likes best, if you only have sex in your favorite positions, they’ll eventually become as boring as your favorite pop song that got overplayed on the radio. Even the sweetest, most sensual, romantic, loving sex will get old and stale if it’s the only kind of sex you ever have.

Don’t be afraid of having sex in positions that aren’t you’re favorite. Have sex in different positions, locations, times, durations, speeds and tones. You can always revert back to the old faithful techniques to get you off at the end of a sex session. In the meantime, taste all the flavors of the rainbow. People who have experienced 100 different pleasures will probably die happier than people who have experienced 5 pleasures. And couples who have had sex in 100 different situations, have experienced their partner 100 different ways. Couples who have only had sex 5 different ways… haven’t experienced much of each other.

Variety is the spice of life. Good lovers are spicy. Bad lovers are vanilla.

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Advice on the cowgirl position

Wikipedia defines “the cowgirl position” as, “a group of sex positions in which the man lies on his back or sits. The woman straddles him facing either forward or backward, and the man inserts his erect penis into the woman’s vagina or anus.”

The biggest advantage of the cowgirl position is that can angle the penis perfectly to hit the g-spot or penetrate the woman deeply, depending on how the woman position and moves her body. She also has complete control of how she moves her body. So she’s in the perfect position to hit all her favorite spots exactly how she wants. This is also a great position for pregnant women who can’t have a man lying on top of them.

There are a lot of slight variations you can make to the cowgirl position that can all be very effective at pleasuring women (in particular) in different ways. The trick is picking the right variation for the moment. Since there are so many options, it behooves women to communicate openly with their partner about what they want, and it behooves men to listen.

As much potential as this position has to pleasure a woman, young men should not assume shy virgins would want to begin their first sexual experience on top. She may not know what to do and be nervous about being exposed and in control. If she feels more comfortable being guided through sex until she’s more experienced, consider starting with the missionary position, and put off experimenting with the cowgirl position until later.

Pre-Penetration Options

Sex begins when the intimacy starts, not when penetration happens. When you have less than 10 minutes of foreplay before penetration, you’re having a quickie, and a lifetime of quickies is unfulfilling, especially for women. Foreplay isn’t a daunting task you have to complete. It’s an opportunity to experience your partner, pleasure them and build sexual tension so that your orgasms are more intense.

There’s not much foreplay a guy can instigate while lying on his back. The woman can straddle his face and let him eat her out, which is fun and worth doing now and then. But sitting on a guy’s face is a novelty position and is best used to tease and warm up a woman’s sexual organs before penetration. If your goal is to give a girl an orgasm through cunnilingus, you’d have better luck laying her on her back where she can relax and focus entirely on the pleasure between her legs.

The man lying on his back is perfect for going down on a guy or giving him hand jobs though, which is convenient if the man is having a difficult time getting an erection. The woman can lay him on his back, go down on him and jump on top before he loses his erection. He’ll be able to relax and focus on the pleasure, and he won’t have to deal with the potential frustration of putting the condom on or guiding his penis into the woman’s vagina. This will reduce the chances of him losing his erection again. Also, if your man is having difficulty getting an erection because he’s nervous, then use slow, soothing, passionate movements as you kiss him and caress his body and cock. Don’t be aggressive, demanding or condescending.

When a man is lying on his back, the woman can kneel or lay between his legs and blow him from there or she can straddle him in the 69 position. From the 69 position, she can also move both knees to one side of the man’s head so that he’s not looking up at her crotch. All of these positions can work just as well for giving a blow job. It depends entirely on what both partners are comfortable with. Find what works for you, but remember to vary your routine every once and a while to spice up your sex life.

The 69 position is fun, but since both partners can’t fully concentrate on what they’re doing or experiencing, it’s difficult for either partner to achieve orgasm. It’s still possible, and it’ll be rewarding, but the 69 position is mainly a novelty position best used for a short time to warm each other up prior to getting down to business.

The cowgirl position can be emotionally and physically stimulating without putting anyone’s genitals in anyone’s mouths. The woman can straddle the man and lean forward over his chest for an intimate make out session. The man can and should use his hands to caress, grab, squeeze, pinch and tickle the woman’s body. This is also a convenient time for the man to grab a wide tract of the woman’s hair on the back of her skull as close to the roots as possible and pull her hair back.

The woman won’t have access to as much surface area of the man’s body to touch, but what she can do, she should. But the best part of straddling the man is that she can rub her pussy lips up and down the base his man’s erect penis. This feels great for both partners, and if you angle your bodies correctly, the woman can rub her clit up and down the man’s penis, which will feel very good to the woman, and if she does it long enough, could give her an orgasm.

No matter what you’re doing during foreplay, it will almost always be improved by a little sexy talk. The trick to sexy talk isn’t to try to spout impromptu poetry. Just compliment your partner from the heart, and tell them how they make you feel. The goal isn’t to impress them with your prose. The goal is to make them feel important.

Speeds

Slow

As a general rule, it’s always best to start out PIV sex slowly to give the woman’s vagina time to relax, expand and moisten. Starting any position too fast is likely to be immediately painful for the woman and leave her sore for potentially days afterwards. This shouldn’t be much of a problem in the cowgirl position since the woman is in the dominant position and can control the speed. However, the man can take control away from the woman and thrust upwards at the speed he wants at any time. Men should resist the urge to take control away from a woman while she’s on top. Even though she may not be moving as fast as the man wants, she’s probably doing what feels best to her. The man is not going to impress her by taking that away from her.

Medium

A steady, rhythmic, medium pace is almost always great for both partners in any position. Though the tendency in sex is to get so worked up you can’t wait for the grand finale, it’s usually best to resist the urge to rush to the end. After you’ve had enough slow sex to loosen and moisten the vagina, stick with a medium pace for a while. It will make the sex last a little longer and give you both better orgasms. When both partners thrust in unison at a medium pace, the results are spectacular.

Fast

As both partners get closer to orgasm, harder, faster thrusts usually feel better. Though, men tend to enjoy very fast thrusts more than women, while women generally prefer harder thrusts to faster ones. When it comes time for fast and hard thrusts in the cowgirl position, there’s only so much the woman can do since she’s pushing her hips downwards and backwards. The man can actually thrust faster and harder from below. So, if speed is what you’re going for, it may be best to let the man take control and do most of the thrusting while the woman holds on for dear life. Fast/hard sex is also a great time for the man to pull the woman’s hair and/or talk really dirty to her.

Thrusts

Hopping up and down

When the woman hops up and down on the man’s penis, it feels good for both partners. If both partners put a little muscle into it, you can get some hard, slamming connections. The downside is that it can be tiring for the woman, and it doesn’t stimulate her clit. So she is unlikely to achieve an orgasm from it.

When the woman is hopping up and down, the man can hold his legs together, which gives the woman the most freedom, or, he can spread lift his knees and lean them outward like a butterfly. This makes it easier for the man to thrust, and the woman can hold onto his knees for support. However, it takes some control away from the woman and limits her freedom to choose her own angle.

Women, when you’re jumping up and down on a man’s penis (especially when you’re doing it fast and hard), be mindful of his balls. You may be crushing them between his legs, especially when he has his thighs completely pressed together.

Swiveling Hips

When the woman swivels her hips, she can tilt her man’s penis so that it hits 360’s of her vaginal tunnel. This can be pleasurable, and it’s a good way to loosen the vagina to prepare for harder, faster penetration. This is a physically and mentally stimulating experience for men. It demonstrates to him that his woman is virile and giving. It’s playful and enticing. It’s usually never a bad idea to throw in a few hip swivels in during cowgirl sex sessions. Just know that this is a “cherry on the top” kind of move. It’s tiring, and unlikely to do enough for either partner to bring them to orgasm. This technique is best used during the first few minutes after penetration and intermittently afterwards just to spice things up.

Grinding

Most women can’t have an orgasm through PIV sex alone. They need clitoral stimulation. More than any other sexual position, most woman probably have the best chance of achieving an orgasm during PIV sex (without using a toy) while grinding in the cowgirl position. The cowgirl gives the woman the opportunity to rub her clit on the man’s abdomen and have his cock deep inside of her, and she has complete control of speed and pressure… especially if the man puts his legs together.

If ever there was a time during sex when a man should verbally ask the woman what she wants him to do, this would be it. But really, mostly what the man needs to do is lay there and let the woman pleasure herself.

What the woman is doing will feel good to the man, and he can orgasm from it, but left to his own devices he’d probably choose something with more thrusting. This technique has very little thrusting to it, since the point is to keep the clit pressed against the man’s abdomen. There are plenty of other positions that are more suited to pleasure men, and men get to experience those all the time while the girl waits patiently for him to finish. Sometimes it’s the man’s turn to take one for the team, and if he wants to be a great lover, he should want to do that. So, men, be patient and let your woman do her thing.

Twerking

Twerking can be tiring. So it’s not something women should plan to do for a long time. It does feel good for both partners though, and it demonstrates virility and kindness on the woman’s part. Like hip-swiveling, this a “cherry on top” move that is welcome in almost any cowgirl sex session, at least for a few moments.

The Wave

The woman can make long, flowing, gliding, arching thrusts with her hips, fucking her man in a wavy motion. The woman feels her partner’s penis inside her from different angles, which means the man also feels the vagina from different angles. This is an incredibly sensual, intimate move at any speed. It gets more difficult the faster you do it, but at slow-to-medium speeds it’s not particularly tiring. So it can be done for a long time. This moves feels better for men than woman. Men have more of a chance of achieving orgasm from the wave, but with a little deliberation, the woman can rub her clit against the man’s abdomen as she swings her hips forward. If that’s not enough to get her off, she can always switch to the grinding technique at any time to heighten her pleasure momentarily or to finish herself off.

Letting Him do the Work

Sometimes it’s nice for the woman to kneel over her man and let him do all the work, thrusting up. This can be very tiring for the man if the woman rests her entire body weight on his groin, but if she can support some of her own weight, the man should be able to thrust upwards for quite a while.

Some men are used to doing all the work. So when the girl gets on top he still won’t give her control. He thinks he’s being a giving lover, but he’s really taking away the woman’s opportunity to pleasure herself, and he’s missing out on the opportunity to pleasure his lover without hardly doing any work. Men should think long and hard about if/when they should commandeer full control of the cowgirl position. There’s no one right answer, but if the woman hasn’t had a chance to do her thing yet, think about letting her.

When a man (especially a sexually inexperienced man) is close to orgasm, he sometimes loses control of his mind and body and feels compelled to thrust as fast and hard as he can. Sometimes this is extremely pleasurable for women. Her vagina enjoys deep, passionate thrusts, and her psyche is overwhelmed by being overpowered by a raging sex bull. Sometimes her vagina is sore, and her psyche is underwhelmed by the fact that she’s on a ride she’s not enjoying but can’t get off. Men need to pay attention to their women and be mindful of the state of their vagina. If a man is going to lose control and start acting like a jack rabbit on steroids, he should at least accentuate the experience with hair pulling, dirty talk, love talk, groping, kissing and/or moaning so the experience is more passionate and less clinical for the woman.

Variations

Note: Women, I’m looking for feedback on which variation of the cowgirl position penetrates you deepest and/or hits your G-spot the best so I can improve this guide.

Perpendicular Kneeling

This is the classic cowgirl position. The woman kneels over the man’s groin and inserts his penis in her vagina. From this position she can start out slow and ease her way into sex. She can hop, grind, swivel, twerk and wave. It’s a great all-around position.

Perpendicular Squatting

Instead of kneeling, the woman can plant her feet down and squat onto the penis while holding her body straight up or leaning forward. This can feel reasonably good for both partners since the angle guides the penis straight up the vagina. However, can be tiring and awkward for the woman to keep her balance. The man can help by holding the woman’s butt up with his hands or thighs, but that may not be effective if the woman is big and the man is small. Anyone sexually liberated enough to use ropes and bars to hold onto during sex can really make the most of this position.

Leaning Back

If the woman starts in the kneeling or squatting position, she can lean backwards and rest her hands by the man’s thighs. The man can also help support her weight with his hands and thighs. This can be awkward and tiring for the woman, and it can bend the man’s penis painfully towards his feet. At the right angle it can feel good for both partners, but the high cost and low payout of this position makes it more of a novelty position.

Woman Leaning Forward

From the kneeling position, the woman can lean forward. This is an intimate position, because both partners can embrace, caress and kiss each other. It angles the penis directly into the vagina, which feels good for both partners at any speed. Both partners can thrust, and it’s a little less tiring for women than sitting straight up. This is a good all-around position.

Man Sitting Up

If the man puts a cushion behind himself, he can prop his back up, and the woman can mount him while he’s in a sitting position. This makes it easier for both partners to kiss and caress each other, but it can limit how much the can thrust (especially if he is small and his partner is big). The man is in a perfect position to lift the woman’s ass with his hands, and the woman is in a perfect position to bounce and grind. It also angles the penis for deep penetration. This can be a very effective position for both partners. If you haven’t tried this position, you’re missing out.

Reverse Cowgirl Perpendicular

When the woman is kneeling over the man’s groin looking towards his head, she can turn around and mount him with her face pointing towards his feet. She thrusts against the penis by leaning her body forward towards the man’s feet and then dropping her ass backwards towards his groin. This makes it precariously easy to bend the man’s penis down painfully towards his feet. It also angles the woman’s body so that she’s slamming her butt straight towards the man’s balls. Despite the dangers, this position has a lot of potential, and some people absolutely swear by it, but it’s certainly one of the more advanced sex positions.

Reverse Cowgirl Crabwise

In this position, the woman plants her hands and feet on the ground/bed with her face pointing towards the ceiling while the man lies underneath her looking up at the back of her head. She thrusts by lowering her body towards the man’s feet and then pushing her body back upwards towards the man’s head. This position can be tiring and awkward for the woman to maintain. The man can help by supporting her with his hands and thighs, but a small man won’t be able to hold a large woman for very long. This position can be made much easier if the woman has bars or ropes to hold onto. This can be a very pleasurable position, but it’s definitely another advanced technique. This position can be very rewarding for both partners if they can maintain it.

Reverse Cowgirl Squatting

The woman plants her feet on the ground/bed and squats down over the man’s penis while facing towards his feet. It can be difficult for the woman to keep her balance, but the man can support her ass with his hands, and she can lean forward to rest her hands on his knees. This is a position where ropes or bars to hold onto would really help.

This position can angle the penis away from the G-spot, but it also lends to deep penetration and hard thrusts from both partners. This is probably the most advanced of the cowgirl positions. If you don’t get it right the first time, don’t let it stop you from trying again sometime.

Reverse Cowgirl Leaning Back

From the reverse cowgirl position, the woman can lean back until her back touches the man’s chest. A woman needs to be very flexible to hold this position when her knees still on the ground/bed. Most likely, she’ll be more comfortable laying her legs out flat in the same way as the man. If she plants her feet next to the man’s thighs and bends her knees, she can stabilize her balance better and use her legs to thrust and writhe a little. The man will be able to kiss, nibble, lick and bite the woman’s shoulders, neck, ears and face. He will also be able to wrap his arms completely around the woman to caress her, play with her breasts and possibly even stimulate her clit. This is an intimate, sensual position at any speed. It has a lot of potential for men and women, but it takes both partners working together.

Toys

Restraints

The cowgirl family of positions are perfect for tying a man to the bed. There’s a different flavor of fun in tying only his hands, only his feet or all of his extremities at the same time. He can also be blindfolded and gagged. All of these techniques will heighten his senses and give the woman the satisfaction of being in control.

Women who want to dominate and be dominated at the same time can still have their hands tied behind their backs and be blindfolded. Their legs can be tied down to the bed as well. Both partners can even be tied to each other. The number of ways you can use restraints in the cowgirl position is limited only by your imagination.

Cushions

Putting a pillow or wedge shaped cushion under the man’s ass will angle his penis more towards his face. Depending on which variation of the cowgirl position you’re using, this can change the depth the penis penetrates the vagina and how well it hits the G-spot. Try every variation with and without a pillow or cushion to see what works best for you.

Clitoral Stimulator

It’s hard for either the man or woman to hold a pocket rocket or bullet/egg clitoral stimulator on the clit in most of the cowgirl positions since her groin is usually slamming down on the man’s abdomen. Even when she’s grinding, the device is likely to get dislodged. The best chances you have of using a clitoral stimulator may be for the man takes control of the thrusting while the woman holds the device where she wants it.

Vibrating Cock Ring

One of the few instances where a vibrating cock ring is actually useful is when the woman grinds the man in the cowgirl position. This gives her snug clitoral stimulation and deep PIV penetration at the same time. This is the perfect combination in theory, but I’ve never found a cock ring ergonomically designed well enough to fulfill this position/combo’s full potential in practice.

Dildos/Vibrators

With all the flopping around, it can be easier to stimulate the clit with a long vibrator than a tiny egg/bullet shaped clit stimulator. The downside to using a vibrator to stimulate the clit while bouncing up and down is it’s hard to hold in place. With enough practice and determination, you can successfully incorporate vibrators into the cowgirl position, but that’s advanced technique.

Butt Plug

Either partner can wear a butt plug during cowgirl sex. Use lots and lots of lube, and be sure to buy a plug with a wide base; never stick anything in anyone’s anus that could potentially get sucked all the way in. If you practice safe anal play, it will heighten the experience for both partners.

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An agnostic theory on why God is so cruel

god's cruelty

As an agnostic, I find enough evidence in the physical universe to leave a reasonable doubt that some force may exist somewhere out there that fits some definition of the word, God. This leaves me in a position to wonder why even a vaguely defined, theoretical God would allow so much suffering in the world.

I don’t have any trouble wondering why God would commit any of the atrocities directly ascribed to him in religious texts, because I’ve come to the logical conclusion that the religions invented by our ancestors are simply mythologies that have stayed on the shelf past their expiration date. So I can write off stories of God directly committing genocide as simply ancient tribal leaders projecting their agenda into theocracy. However, I can’t write off abject poverty and war crimes in the modern world.

There’s no denying the pain and suffering in the world, but technically that doesn’t prove God doesn’t exist. At worst, it proves God is cruel. Granted, some people simply refuse to believe in a God that would allow its creation to suffer as we have, and again, anyone who continues to hold out the possibility that God could exist, must confront the question of why their God is so cruel.

I find it hard to resent the theoretical creator of the universe for the suffering in the world, because if God is truly omnipotent and omniscient, then that means God knows and experiences everything that happens. If that’s true, then God has experienced every drop of pain that has ever happened: every shooting, every beating, every disease, every tear. And God hasn’t just experienced every instance of human pain. For every other living creature besides us, life ends by getting eaten by something else. Life is all teeth, nails, cold and rain. There are no doctors and no mercy. Imagine if God was looking through the eyes of every animal that ever got torn to shreds. In that scenario, the question, “Why does God let bad things happen to my loved ones?” pales in comparison to the question, “Why would God go through all the pain in the universe to bring us here in the first place?”

Even when I imagine a universe where God doesn’t exist, I still find myself coming to the same conclusion. Consider that, if the universe is all that exists, then life is the universe incarnate. Our blood and tears are the universe’s. So why would the universe sublimate life, if it meant damning itself to every ounce of pain that has or will ever exist?

Granted, I may be wrong about all of this. Maybe there is no God, and our insentient universe had no purpose in facilitating the rise of life. We’re all just inevitable cosmic anomalies that blipped into existence at the butt-end of infinity. Our lives are the product of a mathematical probability in a multiverse that may only exist theoretically. All of our pain is meaningless, and our feelings are irrelevant. Looking for justice in the universe is just deluding ourselves into experiencing a baseless sense of peace until our bodies break down and we die in the rain.

This explanation ties up all the loose ends nicely, and the simplest answer is usually the correct one. My problem with this theory is that it’s based on the premise that the universe exists for no reason, and the way we know the universe exists for no reason is because we can’t find a reason why the universe exists. I know so little about the universe that I personally don’t feel qualified to stand behind such a hard line statement as flat fact.

I don’t know how or why the universe was created the way it was. All I can do is look at what’s here and try to connect some dots. I know that in this universe, there exists elegance, consciousness, pain and happiness. I know I value my life, and I was born with the ability to hope, love, want, cry, play, create, and above all, be. And I know joy because I’ve known pain. It doesn’t take a poet to see that “the summer would not be so sweet were it not for the winter.”

It’s also worth noting that, even though humans have experienced unspeakable misery on this planet, we were given the tools to make life better. We were given hands, eyes, bi-pedal legs, opposable thumbs, and most importantly, brains more powerful than any supercomputer.  We were not left alone to die in the rain. We were given everything we need to create a world where joy eclipses sorrow. We’ve just chosen to use our gifts to hurt each other. So when I see pictures of corpses of children riddled with bullets, I feel ashamed to blame the same higher power that gave us everything we need to end those atrocities.

For me, personally, there’s been enough joy in my life to warrant the pain, but I’ve had a relatively painless life. The bigger question is, is the cumulative pain of every living creature in history worth the positive aspects of existence? If it wasn’t, I couldn’t imagine why life would exist at all. A logical, sentient creator wouldn’t create that kind of experience for itself, let alone another being. If this universe is nothing more than an automated accident, I suppose I should just count myself lucky I wasn’t born in a more hellish universe. However, there’s nothing illogical about how this universe operates; it seems contradictory for such a logical universe to exist, if its existence is illogical. Maybe someday I’ll grow up and become a nihilist, but for now, my theory is that whatever higher power brought us into being isn’t cruel. Rather, the universe is as it should be for a greater good that I don’t fully understand.

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